So I never forget

It wasn't even a month ago that I sat here on my couch, laptop perched on my legs, and swore I'd never see it. Of course, deep down, I knew the light was there somewhere, but I was too buried in work to see it. My heart broke as time after time I sent my kids upstairs to entertain each other instead of taking the time to play a game, build with legos, or paint a picture as they had asked. It broke even more when they just stopped asking. I know that they are not going to stop growing while I sit at my computer all day editing this session or that wedding. I know that too soon, the day will come when they no longer want to play, snuggle and read with me. I know that next fall, my youngest will start kindergarten and my home will be empty and lonely, even if for just 2 1/2 hours a day.

I worry that I will look back and have regrets. Regrets about not enough zoo trips. Regrets of replying too often with "just a minute." Regrets about missed opportunities to turn a bad experience at school into a valuable life lesson.

I also want to make sure I'm absolutely clear on one thing.

Without a doubt, I love my job. LOVE.

I realize what a blessing it is to have people pay me to do something I love so much. I realize what a blessing it is that I am able to provide extra money for my family from the comfort of my home. I realize what a blessing it is to have my children home with me while I work instead of a stranger's home. Whole heartedly, I get it.

And today, sitting on my couch, laptop perched on my legs, I can see the light. I am trying so hard to be caught up by Thanksgiving, and it's going to be close. I may have few things carry over. You know what? I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is getting up from this couch to find my children have grown up and I've missed it.

So I'm taking today off. Instead of working, my daughter and I went to church, had a lunch date in my car, and talked. We snuggled on the couch, had hot chocolate and played a game on my iPhone. This afternoon, I'm going to spend some one on one time with my son. I think we'll go out for a Starbucks and I'll turn that bad thing that happened at school today into what will hopefully be a life lesson about how to deal with disappointment.

I took these pictures of Addison playing on my iPhone so I never forget. How little she was. How she curls her toes. How she smiles.

A letter to Nadine

I can't stop thinking about you. It must be the time of year, with the race just around the corner and all. Whatever the reason, you've been on my mind a lot. I miss you more than I can express and the way you lived your life is a constant reminder of the way I want to live mine. You are withouth a doubt someone who made this world a better place and I'd like to think at the end of my life, I might have done the same.



You were such a beautiful woman. Not only in your appearance, but deep down into your soul, you were beautiful. Kind, loving, giving, patient, generous, loyal.. The list goes on.. One of my favorite things about you was your sense of humor. I will never forget the year that you drew Curt's name in the gift exchange and gave him the gift of snowman poop. His reaction of not being certain if you were serious or not only made it better. I think about times like these and it makes my heart ache. Because I miss you, of course, but also because I'm left wishing I had taken more time to talk with you. And to listen.



I wish you had been able to see and hold my children. I try to remain thankful that I got to share the news of my first pregnancy with you - I realize it's more than my younger cousins will have - but I can't help but feel ripped off somehow, and a little jealous of my older cousins who got to have you in their children's lives.



I admire how content you were. You lived simply, and you were content. Your home was small, and the only one I have ever known you to live in. And you raised five children there. Most days, I struggle with the two I have. I cannot imagine raising five - especially in such close quarters. Yet you did it, and you did it well. I don't think I've ever heard you complain either. About anything.



I adore your faith and loyalty. Mom gave me your Bible and it's one of my most treasured posessions. It sits proudly on my mantle and once in awhile, the kids and I will sit down and look through it. I love the family tree section and wish it was filled out more completely. And I love that it has your handwriting in it.
I told them the story about the fifty dollar bill that you found in it. About how you were worried about your finances, so you opened up your Bible to pray, and there it was. That's one of my favorite stories.



I'm grateful to have you and Grandpa as an example of what a marriage should be like. I doubt it was perfect (although I can't ever remember seeing you fight). I'm certain there were difficult times. But through it all, love remained. You treated eachother with love and respect and you built a strong foundation on which to raise your family. You welcomed others into your home and helped those in need.



I hope you know how often I think about you. Your clock hangs in my dining room and every time it chimes, I smile. I can't see a rosebush without thinking of your beautiful rose garden (and you pruning in your bra). :) I sometimes call my daughter by her middle name, just so I can say yours, and I wish I had just given her your name as her first like I had wanted. I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me, although I'd like to think you knew.

For Kelley

I know my blog is neglected. It always happens this time of year. Life gets busy and the daily challenge is to just try to keep up; to not get completely buried. I have learned to accept that that's just the way my life is during the busy summer months.

Until I met with Kelley last week. I'm photographing Kelley & Adam's wedding tomorrow and had met with her to view the venue and go over last minute details. We were chatting away and then, ever so casually, she said it.

You really need to update your blog.

I laughed, agreed, and relayed my "I'm just so busy this time of year" speech to her. But as I drove home, her comment stuck with me. And I realized that she's absolutely right.

So, Kelly, this post is for you, to say thank you for reminding me of how important it is to stay connected with my clients and their families.

I'll see you tomorrow!!

In her memory : Giving back

It's hard to believe that it's been over six years since she left us. Six years since I received the telephone call, telling me that the cancer had spread to her brain and they expected her to live less than two weeks.



My sophomore year in college, my grandmother Nadine was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was my first encounter with any sort of cancer, and to say I was terrified would be an understatement. My grandma had a mastectomy and was cancer free for about five years, when she started having pain in her pelvic area. That's when it was discovered that her breast cancer had spread to her bones and liver.

Shortly after her newest diagnosis, my husband's job moved us to Sacramento. I often felt guilty for not being there to help my mom take care of her, but a part of me believes it was a blessing that I was able to have some distance from her deteriorating condition.

After we got the call informing us that she had little time left, my husband and I drove home to be with the family and say our goodbyes. I remember sitting with her in her room, not knowing the right words to say, but being perfectly content just being in her presence. I helped her eat her breakfast of waffles and black coffee, trying to get just the right amount of syrup on each bite. When it was time to go, I hugged & kissed her, and told her how much I loved her, knowing it would be the last time.

For several years now, I've participated in the Susan B Komen Race for the Cure. I have raced in Sacramento in celebration of my grandmother's life and in Portland in her memory. This year, I’ve decided I need to do more to make a difference. I have created a team, appropriately named "Team Nadine" and will be raising money in her honor.

From August 15th - September 15th, I will be donating $25 of every session fee towards the Susan B. Komen Foundation. Additionally, if you'd like to join our team or make a donation separately, you can do so by visiting our team page: here.